Mel-lO

i feel so small

Fri, 24 Mar 2006 22:52:50 GMT

dear journal.
ever feel so void and yet so filled with anger?

My fiance and I have very different takes on what is and what isn't important
when it concerns friends and events and such. I mean, I'm very keen on having like 25 people
at our wedding. Only important family and friends, but he wants more.
And so I have compromised. I mean, I would rather us get married in Hawaii on a beach and
whoever should show up, great, but all that would matter is having the two of us share in this
experience. But we have compromised and we are having our wedding here in MA. And we've trippled
the number I'd originally wanted.

Now, my fiance just got a new job. And to celebrate, there was some discussion of going out to a
bar. Now, he told all his friends at work, but told me a WEEK LATER, not to mention that when I
found out I had to work (tonight) and wouldn't be able to attend. I asked them on Wednesday if we
could just push it up one day and make it a Thursday evening instead because as his fiance, I would
actually like to be there. Rather than people caring that it was HIS occasion and it would be
awkward for me to NOT be there, I get replies that they would like to :"get their tongues wet on friday instead. or that they "want to get drunk on a friday night." Now its obvious that these people just want to
get drunk and could care less about who's or what occasion they are celebrating, and that hurt, but what hurt much more was that I asked him if he would be willing to move the date up and do you know what he told me? He said: "but then no one would come." and to me it was a clear indication that he cared more about everyone else being there and that it didn't matter if i wasnt. This in itself is so fucked up.
I don't even have words to discribe how I feel. But let me just say that being put second when he keeps 'assuring ' me that I am his #1 is a horrible and depressing feeling.

Since we first had a discussion about it, I have grown more and more depressed, and I honestly don't think I can ever get over it. So here I am getting ready to go to work and I'm miserable. He's in the shower getting ready to go get drunk will all his "buddies" and his sister (who i can't stand by the way, and who you'd THINK would want me at his job promotion party, but just told me that she'd rather go on Friday, and didn't give a flying fuck if i was there or not.)and I won't be there. It bothers me so deeply to know that it doesn't affect him in the least, and yet its killing me inside. I have litterally cried all week about this and it haunts me. I wonder if there is underlying message here that I am refusing to read. Or a window opening to what future events I will have to decide whether I will put up with it or not. I'm so heartbroken right now, and I don't know what or if it will be mendable.

I'm getting married...

Tue, 16 Aug 2005 23:38:21 GMT

Well, I had the most amazing weekend, and I don't think I'll ever come
down from this high. My bf had been planning this for a while, and it
was a complete surprise.

My bf refused to see my last week and it was
making me so sad. On Saturday I call him and he tells me that he's
running late, so I tell him I'm going to go get my nails done.
So I go, get my mani/pedi, and I call him a little after 12 noon, and
he tells me to come over. Traffic is bad, so he calls to ask me where
I am, and we meet up at the local bookstore.

and he picks me up and we drive a few blocks over to this GORGEOUS
park that had a waterfall setup too. He sets up a picnic with Dom
Periogne and chocolate covered strawberries and yummy finger sand-
wiches. I mean, he went all OUT. and we started eating. and he told
me that he had a present for me. he goes in his pocket and takes out
a ring box. now, i'm starting to get all happy, but then I realized
that many times women get excited about these things, and it turns
out to be a pair of earrings,ect.. so i wasn't setting myself up for
that. And i was cool. I open the box and its the key to his apt.
And I have to say, I was happy. hahah I was happy over a key!

Well, that's because I have been harassing him for a key to his apt
for many months now, and so this was unexpected, because I'd just
about given up.. so i was elated. So as I'm going on and on about the
key. He turns to me and says: "wow, well if you're so happy about that,
then you'll REALLY be happy about THIS." He gets down on one knee and
holds out the key and asks me to marry him. I of course scream. a lot.
and say yes. and kiss him. Yumm. It was wonderful. It was all I could
ask for and more.
So now I'm officially ENGAGED. I have a Fiance, and I've never been
happier :)

Here are some wonderful pics to enlighten you on my wonderful
moment :)

Here are some Pic's of the ring. (More to come)

Here's where my fiance proposed:

having ocd. loving kyra. my bf is a sweetie...

Thu, 04 Aug 2005 00:23:00 GMT

i am officially an obsessive compulsive. in my search to purchase a patriots'
jersey i got to thinking about the personalized one i got for my bf. and he
brought to my attention that i had taken it home to wash, now... once he said it...
i went into overload and HAD to find it. so i essentially turned my room upside
down to find it. and i did... over an hour later. mind you i'm tired as hell and
need to take a much needed nap.

but in my attempt to relax and get sated enough to take a nap (mind you its past
8pm and I should just be going to bed for the night<--- i feel old) i'm watching
the most recent episode of "the closer". i'm officially crushing on Kyra Sedgwick.
Mind you, i think its her character that i love, but regardless. she's so clever and
feminine. i LOVE it.

ok. speaking of things i love. my bf. who i have mentioned to you all, well he asked his
parents if i could go to 'family dinner' last night. I was really proud because he stuck up
for me. I was proud because he prooved to me that he was able to put us first. well needless
to say that they agreed. (score one for mel)and so i went...
his mom surprised me by greeting me at the door. that was kind and very
proper, so it made me feel good. his parents thanked me for the thank you card i had
sent them for the 'dim sum' we shared several weeks ago. and the food was yummy. not to
mention it was so wonderful to see his neices who i just adore. (they are SO cute.) I look
at them and want to kiss and hug and tickle them. They make me wonder what me and my bf's kids
would look like. (i'm betting even cuter!) hahah
but getting back on track. it was a good night.

Until we got home and were watching: "The Real World". Normally this show is great, but it was
a very sad and somber episode. In which one of the character's gets a phone call from his father
and is told that his mother died of a heart attack early that morning. It hit so close to home. I
received that phonecall three months ago. I had the same sort of relationship he had with his mother--
a distant one, one of anger, and resentment. I know he loved his mother as I loved my father, but what
they did to us made it so hard to vocalize it to them. He failed to say:I Love You to her the last time
he spoke to her-- three days prior. I didn't get that chance. I would have failed it too. I cried. I cried for him, I cried for me. I cried for my father and for his mother. My bf was there to comfort me, and I'm
thankful for that. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have his love and support.

Prisoner of words unsaid...

Wed, 22 Jun 2005 00:57:19 GMT

you know what's so sad is that i wrote an entire entry out, and
i felt that it just didn't say what i wanted it to say,
i couldn't word it right, and i couldn't express how i felt...
it masked my true feelings so i just deleted it.
anyway, upon watching "Def Poetry Jam", i was profoundly moved
by a poem by Alicia Keys, so I decided to post some of it for
you all to enjoy... I think its called: "Prisoner of words unsaid":

It would be easier if you just put me in jail, you know...
if you lock me away, i'd have someone to blame.
but these bars of steal are of my making,
they surround my mind and have me shaking.
my hands are cuffed behind me
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind in fact
I'm a prisoner of compromise; a prisoner of compassion;
a prisoner of kindness; a prisoner of expectation;
a prisoner of my youth...
running too fast to be old, i've forgotten what i was told
ain't i a sight to behold?
A prisoner of age, dying to be young, so my head is my hand with a
gun and its cold and its hard coz there's no where to run where
you've caged yourself... by holding your tongue.
I'm a prisoner of words unsaid,
just lonely feelings locked away in my head
its like solitary confinment. everytime i stay quiet
i should start to speak but i STOP... and stay silent.
and now i've made my own hard bed. inside this prison of words... unsaid.

good night everyone :)

pooh cards, yummylicious shoes and charlie's factory

Fri, 17 Jun 2005 20:47:25 GMT

anyway. today was a short day. i woke up after 11 and did some laundry and made some
food. i still feel drained and not completely healed and a little restless. ok that is an
understatement. ever just wake up and feel all out of sorts? ever just think i need 'this'
but realize that you're only getting 'that' and ever feel just flustered. so flustered you
can't talk to anyone about it, not for fear that they would laugh at you, but because you
don't know how to verbalize it? *sigh* i'm just bleh.
on a happier note. i opened my mail today to find a lovely card from an old college buddy of
mine. now, most of you know that i don't keep in touch with many of the 'friends' i had in
boarding school and at wellesley. i'm a firm believer that if we were really friends, i would
have tried to keep in touch, and vise versa. which is why i only have a few. people change,
i change... no use in holding on to the past. anyway, this friend, has always been a kind soul
and we hadn't talked in seveal months, but we recently touched base and she asked me what had been
going on so i told her about my dad passing away and how i just feel 'different' and how i'm still
with vic and things are going well, yada yada yada... well she knows i LOVE cards. (honestly people
a hand written note of some kind REALLY does go a long way!) and so low-and behold.. i got one.
come to think of it, i think nicole, my boy J and my ex paul are the only ones who had consistantly sent
me cards. (thank you all :)
Anyway, it had POOH on it! yes it did.

and she wrote about how she knew what i was going thru
(because she lost her dad when we were in college) and she was happy that i was with vic and that
he better be treating me right (i hope you're reading that !!!) and more girlie stuff. so it just made
me happy. she wants to hang out soon, and i'm all for it. i really miss her. do you see what i mean...
real friends always stay in contact! trust that! and remember that you shouldn't be the ONLY one
initiating contact. if that is the case, let these 'friends' go.
******************************************************

on a side note: thank you liz for agreeing with me on the no fat people in the wedding party rule.
(you're in the wedding :)

on another side note, i think and i promised myself that i would start my 'health' regime next week. so olaf, you can't fault me for being a slacker any longer... just let me have my fun this weekend, and i will be a good girl the rest of the time. ha.
***************************************************

ooh oooh and look at these shoes. i fell in love. wanted them for a month! and my mom treated me to them.
gotta love mamas :)

***************************************************

maybe its just me, or does anyone else feel a huge dislike to the
remaking of "charlie and the chocolate factory" and the little
creatures are so disturbing looking. and johnny depp officially
freaks me out in this movie. i say we boycott... who's with me...

sickness, wonderful bf's and future bridezilla complexes

Thu, 16 Jun 2005 00:04:57 GMT

i've been sick the past few days so it's been so difficult to do anything. i hate that helpless feeling. i have this horrible throat infection and now its also nasally. i started feeling sick on monday morning. i woke up feeling all out of sorts and it was horrible. i barely stumbled into my bf's shower stall. as soon as i realized that going to work just was not an option. i stayed in my bf's comfy bed and just tried to rest. but he made me feel so good. he called me several times during the day to see how i was feeling. (horrible each time, but it was so great to have his love and support). and then he came home with a bag full of "make you feel better items." he had gotten a thermometer and tons of cough drops, fast acting tylenol, and other stuff. he was such a gentleman. and he brought me tea and gatorade and just did so much to take care of me. i felt so loved and so well taken care of. i just felt so good.

it reminded me of something that Carrie Bradshaw said on Sex and the City:
"The most exciting, challending and significant relationship of all is
the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the
you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

I won't get all mushy and stuff, but I just wanted to extend a really big thank you
for all that he is and what he has done for me. (Maybe i talk about him too much. hahah)

Ok continuing on my 'sick' topic, I have had to stay home with my mom and she is just always there, which is a bit frustrating... i love her to death, but sometimes she is a little 'overwhelming'. we just argued so much over the stupidest things and because i am sick, its harder to comunicate. i mean... if your throat was so swollen that even your doctor says: "oh wow. that's red and swollen. and look at those white dots". shessh. so talking just ISN"T easy. and having to talk OVER my mom because she doesn't listen... so i was extreemely annoyed. sometimes i get fearful about having a daughter. i mean, sheesh... will i be THAT annoying to my child? i better stick with boys.

plus my fever keeps coming back. its 50 degrees out, and i have the AC on. yeah. i'm so damn cool. :P

well, right now i'm watching a show called: "bridezillas" and i find it highly amusing... it kinda freaks me out that not enough men get all 'jittery' and worried and yes,even a little crazy when it comes to their weddings. why is it that we get all "fucked" up about everything? I was talking to my bf about our future wedding and i admitted to him that i didn't want any fat people in my wedding party. now, does that sound mean? i don't mean it to sound rude its just that i don't want fat people in my wedding. nothing wrong wihth chubby, but really fat is something that i just don't want. i mean, i am the one that keeps the wedding photos so... i don't feel bad in saying that yes, i would ask one of my friends to loose a few pounds to fit into their dress. i mean, it IS my wedding? and they have the right to NOT be in it if they choose, right? i dunno. i felt kinda bad but then i was like.. fuk that. its my wedding... so please be honest with me... am i turning into a future bridezilla?

Thu, 09 Jun 2005 23:42:25 GMT

ever have one of those days where you're just so damn pist. you're angry at others,
you're angry at yourself and you're just plain angry.
grrrrr...

it started off this morning being on the T and this man kept talking to me.
here i am reading my book and all i want to do is be left alone, and you keep
talking to me. i should have a sign that says: "please do not talk to the lady."

next i go get coffee at this mom and pop store in the basement of the building i work in.
i hadn't gone there for like months because i really love D&D, but two days ago i got lazy and
went and got a medium hot coffee and so today, i said "why not." well, when i had gone two days
ago, i paid my $1.20 and went on my merry way. there were no other patrons in the store, so i got
quick service. well today i decided to go and there was so many people. maybe 20-30 people. and when
i get my chance to order my coffee, i put my $1.20 on the counter and she starts ranting about
how the coffee is $1.35 and i gave her only $1.20 yesterday too, and i need to know what the prices are.
First off bitch, it was tuesday you last saw me, not yesterday. Second, don't fucken tell me that you
raised your prices in one day and that since your shitty little shop has NO price labels anywhere, I am a fuken mind reader and know that you have conviently decidd to 'up' the prices.

Honestly, i just went to my office and brought down the $.30 and slammed it on the counter. How dare you decided to embarass me in front of a crowd of people for no reason except to make yourself look good.
Not only that but when i was in your store on tuesday you had every opportunity to TELL ME THE FUKEN PRICE-- especially since no one was there! i will NEVER EVER buy a thing from that store. Here I am trying to help the little shitty store rather than go to the chain store, but you know what. FUCK YOU! i am going
to buy my coffee and pasteries elsewhere, namely chain stores like D&D and Au Bon Pain.

And i sware my day just seemed to get worse. As soon as I finished a huge pile or work, i go to my mailbox only to find twice as many more things to do.

I barely got a chance to speak to my bf today, and I won't be able to talk to him via email after this weekend because his work is now forbidding outside emails.

I feel so overwhelmed at work and in life. i'm just so tired, so so very tired. I feel so overworked, underpaid and worse of all underappreciated. i'm just feeling bleh... i just want to relax. be pampered and do absolutely nothing. go to a spa. get a mani/pedi.get a back massage and a foot massage and a scalp massage. i want to rent romantic and sappy movies and watch them for an entire week, and eat tons of popcorn and juju bees,i want to go to a fancy restaurant where someone waits on me and prepares a meal the way I like it,i want to go on a shopping spree where i get to buy whatever i want and not worry about cost, i want to not have to worry about anything, i want to feel ok about any and everything, i want to be the center of attention, but not have to be smiling and giggling and making everyone around me happy when i'm not feeling that way. i want to NOT be broke and worry pay check to paycheck. i want... i want...

on a happier note. after i got my mail today, the receptionist told me taht i had a package at the front desk. guess what it was. My friend Tisha sent me a bouquet of CALLA LILLIES! those are my favorite flowers and not only do they make my desk look scrumptious, but they smell heavenly and are absolutely gorgeous. she surprised the crapt out of me, and it was a lovely and extreemely thoughtful surprise. Do you know what they represent: ardour, which in my dictionary means feelings of great intensity and warmth, which is an entirely appropriate meaning. that's how they make me feel.
i'll post a pic of them tomorrow.
toodles all. i'm aiming to go to bed early tonight. i think i need it.

old chicks rule.

Wed, 08 Jun 2005 01:38:17 GMT

i am honestly getting older by the second.
i came home after work, after doing a little browsing at barnes and
nobles downtown. i was wearing a cute sun dress kinda outfit, and
for some strange reason, when i'm at a book store, i want to be comfortable.
and jeans=comfort. so i didn't stay long. plus the fact that why is it that
young boys (17-20) try to hit on me wherever i go? do i look THAT young?
well, i made my way back onto the T and as soon as I got home,
i went to work on my room-- sorting thru all the
winter and summer stuff, i got thru about 3 hours of that, and managed to
do four loads of laundry, so i feel so accomplished, yet so tired.

when did my life become cleaning up my room and laundry? shouldn't i be
clubbing or bar-hopping? hahahah

actually i was invited out to a bar for thursday, but its so histerical
how my first thought was god, how late will i be getting home? hahahah
when did i start carrying rolaids in my purse? for fuk sake, i am only 26.
one good thing is that i have the sexual appetite of a 19 year old.
i look younger than i am. i get carded wherever i go.
i think pink is the most fantabulous color (in fact reese witherspoon's
character in legally blonde is my hero :P). i still believe in love at
first site and there being a fairy tale ending.

so i guess in some ways, i will always be young. some experiences do
change you, but maybe its for the better.

i started watching a campy updated version of one of my favorite novels:
"pride and prejudice". not quality, but semi-entertaining. i'm all about
true love fighting the odds. i'll talk more about that some other time, but
for now... i love thr quote:
: next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then."
pride and prejudice
vol.II, ch,I

anyway, on to something modern:
i absolutely loved the episode of seinfeld where they decided to do a
wall o' neighbors. and jerry's picture looks like shit and all he wants to do
is rip it down. ahahhaha ahhahahah here's a momento:

on a yet, nother random note, i really really want a new laptop. i mean, i love
my laptop, but i love pretty, new things too, and i have been eyeing the "ibooks" for quite some time...
in the words of SJP: "hello lover"

time after time...

Tue, 07 Jun 2005 01:05:58 GMT

ever notice how quickly time passes you by? i haven't noticed how long its been since i have
posted. time seems to be slipping away from me, and i am constantly trying to stay ahead of it
all, with disasterous results.
ever feel like you try so hard, but its just not good enough, or its that you who doesn't feel
that you're not doing your very best. *sigh*
i really don't want to have to go into work tomorrow. i sware that it just drains me. i'm tired
just taking the T into work.
sometimes i don't know ...

i'm watching 'hell's kitchen' right now and it is CRACKING ME UP!!! who knew that someone being so cruel to others would amuse me? ha. i think its that he pushes them to excel. i need that. of course i know i will be a blubbering idiot if someone were to yell at me the way he does his students.
do you know that one of the contestants' name is: 'dewberry'. what were his parents thinking? anyway. fox is amusing me with their campy reality shows...

i have a weird craving for zuchinni bread. weird. i've been having a lot of cravings lately. maybe its just because its summer and i enjoy yummy food during the summer time.

my bf has a job interview on wednesday and i think he's nervous about it. but he shouldn't be, because i think he's fabulous and phenomenal in so many ways. i want him to know how proud i am of him for putting himself out there to attain his goals. many people don't bother. and he's so smart. i just can't say enough about him. we spent a lot of sunday in bed together and as my legs were interwined in his, i began to look at him when he wasn't noticing and i was just overcome with how much i love him. its strange. the idea of loving someone so immensely, and so purely; its overwhelmingly wonderful and also a little scary. he brightens my day, even when he's grumpy :P he's my baby. and i love him :) LOTS. ha.

on a rather bleh note.... i saw some sad news today... why oh why did she get a nose job?

nighty night all :)

catch my breath.

Wed, 18 May 2005 23:25:17 GMT

i'm having a rough nite. i feel lonely. dejected and empty.
so i do what most intelligent and bizzare creatures do, they
wallow in self-pity.

i choose to do so by watching one of my favorite movies
and most desperately honest and heart-wretching films of my generation..
"the red violin". i swear that this movie evokes more emotion out of me
than any other. its so so pure. sadness seeps into you, and joy is evoked...
its intense, and no matter how many times i watch it, i am moved.

*sigh*

i'm having a hard time breathing. everytime i think i have caught my breath,
my heart pounds faster and all aire escapes me.

i think its going to be an early night.

i'm really done...

Tue, 17 May 2005 00:42:58 GMT

it amazes me how with death comes realization and knowledge of self.
when my father died, there were so few people for me to count on
and depend on.
it never ceases to amaze me how scary and difficult experiences show you who
is truly there for you, who are the ones you can depend on, who actually care about you, ect...

ever just wake up one morning and realize that the people who you thought you could
always count on. the ones who would ALWAYS be there for you... well.. when you need them, they're
not there for you.
I learned that the hard way. and it wasn't just with my father's death...
just little things that add up to so much, like 'friends' dissing me on my
birthday, or not calling for weeks even when i have called to say that my father
just died, or not coming to the funeral, but coming up for a friend who you've only known
for 2 year's graduation party, when you've known me for 12 years....

so now i'm a little jaded, a little wiser, a little angrier, a little more honest...
but no longer a fool, no longer so sweet and suseptable.... i'm taking things at face value
and not thinking too highly of people because looks and words are deceptive and cunning...

i've also changed. i'm so aware of death now. losing a parent really and truly changes you.
i've become so aware of how easily you can die. how you will NEVER come back.
how you can't change things once your dead. how you need to forgive those that actually
matter in your life; how you need to floss everyday!
how you need to tell your family members and loved ones just how much they mean to you-- every day!
you need to take risks because you might loose the things and people that matter the most.
how you really need to take action. you have a dream... do it... or make a goal to do it...
do something or multiple things that you would NEVER ever have thought you could do...

its a power thing... the power to believe in yourself and be realistic and honest with yourself.
so here's to being honest, open and realistic...

Mon, 02 May 2005 00:49:56 GMT

my father passed away yesterday and i don't know how i am supposed to be.

i feel so small and helpless.
my life seems so insignificant in all the chaos.

i had to fly down to Virginia to be with my family and
try to make all of the arrangements. i never knew how
hard losing a parent could be.

i'm trying to put on a brave face and be the 'reliable and
strong' one. i have so many people to help, encourage and
support that i don't even have a moment to really grieve.

i miss my bf more than anything because i know that i can
rely on him and everything feels so much safer in his arms.
i know that he loves me and he knows that he's my world.

*sigh*

one thing i know for sure... do all that you can to make the ones
that you love and need and adore KNOW how you feel before its too late...

death knows no regrets.

ch ch ch changes...

Fri, 29 Apr 2005 01:57:29 GMT

sometimes i'm blown away by how much time can pass when you just
sit down and try to relax... but end up doing some major 'thinking'...

you know when you have so much on your mind and then boom...
time seems to fly. you lose track of it, or maybe it looses
track of you and before you know it... you've spent over an hour
contemplating life's greatest question... what gives?

a friend told me that i've changed today. that made me sad.
it wouldn't have been so bad if she had looked as if it had
been a good thing, but she didn't... and i didn't want her to
elaborate. so my reply was simply: " we all change. "

but now i sit here and wonder in what ways have i changed?
have others noticed this change? do these changes make me
a better 'me'? did i need to change? do i want to keep
these changes? *sigh* its all so complicated...
so as i end this post i wish i could take that hour back
and recollect my thoughts...

one thing i know that hasn't changed... i'm still a complicated being.

my name is mel. and i am an addict... "hi mel"

Mon, 04 Apr 2005 01:38:05 GMT

so recently i have come to the realization that i shop too much.
its a habit that i really need to break.
i spend beyond my means and then when the credit card bill comes,
i sit there and try to figure out where i went wrong. i go thru
the different stages:
1. i am sad. depressed. or in need of a new outfit so i go shopping.
2. i shop. A LOT. i buy A LOT. i spend A LOT. i am happy.
3. i prance around in cute pretty things, love the attention i get, and love all that i have bought. i lay them on my bed and develop new outfits. i try to find space in my closets and dressers
to fit them all. i am happy.
4. 20 days later, i receive the bill. i stare at it in shock, amazement and bewilderment.
i cry. scream. berade myself and then attempt to figure out how i am going to pay for all the
lovely, pretty things that i previously purchased and have worn or used. i am sad.
5. i work extra shifts of babysitting to pay for my 'habit'. i am tired.
6. i can't buy again until i get money. and then when i get money i start buying again, but have 'conviently' forgotten that i still have to pay for the rest of the things that i previously purchased.

yes ladies and gentlemen. this is an addiction. this is bleh. this is just no good. *shakes head*
so because of the effect that my spending is having on my wallet and on my psyche, not to mention my over-extended closet, i have banned myself. i stopped shopping on April, 1, 2005.
On a side note, I also started working out again. I did 3.5 miles today. GO ME.
so maybe exercising will become my new addiction.
at least its healthy...

see, thing is... i know my faults. i accept them. and the things that i know that i have to change, i am willing to do so... i have to commend myself for that.
:)
hopefully you'll see a more toned, more financially capable mel in a few months.

pretty,shiny thing...

Tue, 22 Mar 2005 01:14:25 GMT

i want this.

i love pretty things.
i often find myself searching for gorgeous items when my spirit is low.
pretty shiny things make me happy.

music...

Fri, 18 Mar 2005 03:59:30 GMT

How is it possible that music just captures the essence of your
feelings. *sigh*
I put in a cd that my bf had copied for a friend and had made me a copy.
after i pressed play... i was greeted by one of the most beautiful, haunting song.
and its been on repeat for the past 30 minutes...

Valentine:

If there were no words
No way to speak
I would still hear you
If there were no tears
No way to feel inside
I'd still feel for you

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
You're all I need, my love, my valentine

All of my life
I have been waiting for
All you give to me
You've opened my eyes
And showed me how to love unselfishly

I've dreamed of this a thousand times before
But in my dreams I couldn't love you more
I will give you my heart
Until the end of time...
You're all I need, my love, my valentine

And even if the sun refused to shine
Even if romance ran out of rhyme
You would still have my heart until the end of time
'cause all I need is you, my valentine
You're all I need, my love, my valentine

still here...

Thu, 17 Mar 2005 20:49:14 GMT

I'm adjitated today. I have so many thoughts running thru my head.
Sometimes I just can't understand people's reasoning... why they do
the things that they do... why they don't do what they are supposed
to do... Is it so difficult to think about someone
else's feelings before you say or do something, or don't say or do
something for that matter? And why do people always want what they
can't have? Why is it that when they actually are lucky enough to get
what they want, they don't appreciate it? Sometimes I feel that
people should relinquish their humanity. ha.

Also,people love to give advice. Granted, some have lived longer and
thus have had more experience in life. But, sometimes you just
have to make your own mistakes... plus, who wants advice when you
never asked for it?

I'm not talking as much as I used to. I find myself feeling that
sometimes its just not worth it. You keep saying things over and over
again, and you begin to feel like a broken record...
Plus, its as though you're being heard, but no one's really
bothering to truly listening... so why waste the energy?
Does that sound bitter? its not meant to be... just an observation...
maybe i'm just tired because i have anemia...

Anyway, I'm reading this amusing book called: "The Parker Grey Show".
(I think Parker is a spiffy name for a daughter...)
But getting back to my original point... one of the character's says:
"Doing bad things is a part of human nature, and when you do bad things,
you release negative energy, which counteracts positive energy. The
negatve ions go out, and positive ions come back in their place... This is
why the rich get richer." hahahahahh I haven't laughed in such a long time.

just thought i'd share....

i have the day off, and i'm just so tired, so i have been lazing around in bed.
sometimes, you just need that...

race-o-rama

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 23:29:23 GMT

i am watching Ego Trip's Race-O-Rama on VH1. and i haven't laughed so
hard in so long! They're talking about interracial dating and how things
are in hollywood, yada yada yada... and they are so histerical.

I didn't realize that there are so many interracial couples!
and one of the things that had me rollllling was when they
talked about how beautiful and exotic the kids look, which
i completely agree and have seen so many gorgeous mixed kids
so...

then they started talking about spanish girls (i'm 1/2) and
they were like... "don't ever cross a spanish girl. coz they
will love you endlessly and that rice and beans will be on the
table every day for you. but you fuk em over and they will hurt you." hahaha
that had me on the floor.

and miss info (the asian dj from hot 977-- who i love) was like..
"if you have racist friends and you're dating a person of another race,
it really is time to get new friends." and i wholehearted agree.

and then they started talking about is how asian men don't get "ass" in movies.
jackie chan and jet li always kick ass, but they don't get any ass... why is that?
why do they feel the need to immasculate asian men? i personally think asian
men are so beautiful.
did you know that tyson becford is chinese and black? and so is naomi campbell.
i love it!

ok back to the show :)

edit 6:43pm: did you know that black woman and asian men are the least married people in the us? ( i didn't know that). the show talked about how black women feel that white women are taking the black men, and asian men feel that the white man is taking the asian women...

hahh ahhahaah this asian produder says: "i love the sistas. and if you're going to an asian household for dinner, be prepared to eat a lot and be talked about behind your back in another language. " hahah hahah ahahaha

ok back to the show...

ring.. ring... ring...

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 12:43:57 GMT

goodness gracious.
so i have been up since 3am! let me tell you why.
my sensitive-ass doorbell began ringing every 2 minutes due to the
massive strength of the wind. so i tossed and turned for 2 hours and
then finally said FUK IT. and just got up and got ready to come into work.

so i get into work. and its 7am. and apparently NO ONE IS HERE. and I forgot that there is a passcode to enter the building and to NOT trip the alarm. ooops. because the alarm DID indeed trip and i had to sit there in horror as the minutes on the clock ticked away... and i became more panicked that the cops/fire trucks would appear. luckily, 10 minutes later, two of the usual "early arrivers" came and entered the alarm code. so all ends well.. but can i just emphasize how much i hate ringing sounds now....

i hope all of you all's mornings are going well!

another day... another entry...

Fri, 04 Mar 2005 01:52:52 GMT

one thing i can't understand... why is it that LJ is constantly in Read-Only mode.
so not cool. anyway...

something i have been meaning to talk about. ok. i can admit this. when i was younger
i had a "fondness" for Hootie and the Blowfish. Now, I know that the lead singer isn't
named Hootie, its Darius, but regardless... have you all seen the new BK commercial.
WHY oh WHY is Hootie doing an add for BK? has he really hit that low to the ground? its
so sad, and each time i see that commercial, i cringe. so so sad. and he's wearing some
horrible farmer outfit. so so sad. i just had to bring that up because its been
bothering me.... bacon cheddar ranch my ass...

why is it so damn cold? its march for fuk's sake... shessh.

i got a call from an old college buddy of mine who i haven't really talked to in four years.
it was lovely to hear from her. seems like she really went thru a lot trying to locate me.
she finally stopped by the old police station that i used to work at, and one of my officer
buddies told her that he had seen me last autumn and that i was a "hot mama" (hahah that amuses
me) and he also said: "too bad i am married". (that cracked me up as well.) and then he gave her my cell phone number. she's coming up to Boston in a few and wants to hang out so that will be nice. we
used to be so close, but you know how it is when you move out of state. you loose contact and time
often changes people. she seems like the same old sandra though. rich little daddy's girl, but lord knows
she's a hoot :)

and on the love note. my bf is one of the most stubbornest, sexy, and honest men i have ever had the
privilege of knowing. talking to him invigorates me, and forces me to re-think thoughts that have been permanently swimming in my brain. he may not know it, but i respect him on such a high level and adore and cherish every moment that we spend together. (even though i know that i talk him to death at times :) he can over-look it-- i'm worth it :)

good night all. and wrap yourself up tight for tomorrow's cold-ass day :)

don't i wish. i was still 23. hahah

Tue, 01 Mar 2005 02:35:02 GMT

You Are 23 Years Old

23

Under 12: You are a kid at heart. You still have an optimistic life view - and you look at the world with awe.

13-19: You are a teenager at heart. You question authority and are still trying to find your place in this world.

20-29: You are a twentysomething at heart. You feel excited about what's to come... love, work, and new experiences.

30-39: You are a thirtysomething at heart. You've had a taste of success and true love, but you want more!

40+: You are a mature adult. You've been through most of the ups and downs of life already. Now you get to sit back and relax.

What Age Do You Act?

tomorrow= birthday

Sat, 26 Feb 2005 02:14:51 GMT

so tomorrow is my 26th b-day.
i turn 26 on the 26th!
*shockhappinessfear*

well... here's to tomorrow...
*guzzle guzzle guzzle*

five principles to make you happy...

Tue, 15 Feb 2005 21:53:36 GMT

its always so re-assuring when you talk to an older person who
just has had more life experience than you have had...

this afternoon my cell rings and its an old teacher of mine
from boarding school. i haven't talked to him since.. god. three years.
i used to be so good at keeping up with people that i care about-- school chums--
but you know how it is when time starts to slip away from you... anyway
he's telling me that there are certain things that he can tell me about
about life, and so i wanted to share them with you so you can apply them to
your life (not to be so preachy... hahah):

1. never take for granted someone who loves you back.
2. nothing so good, ever comes easy.
3. never stay in a job you're unhappy at. EVEN if it pays well.
4. love yourself, love your life, love your family (even if they suck), love your friends
5. escape into the world of books not only will you improve your vocabulary, but it opens a whole new world (he's an English teacher)

anyway, i just thought i'd share. i have so much more to tell you all.
i had a wonderful valentines with my baby, but i am so exhausted i can't write about
it now.

toodles :)

my panties

Wed, 09 Feb 2005 03:26:05 GMT

"show me your knickers missy. one can always tell a woman's
intensions based on her underware."

haha hahahahah i sware old people CRACK me up!

fuk fuk fuk

Fri, 28 Jan 2005 02:32:26 GMT

fuk fuk fuk.
i got hungry and i decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich.
as i was cleaning the pan, it was so hot it burned the fuk out
of my left hand. god it hurts. well, i am doing everything it says
to do.

Home Treatment

To treat a burn at home, apply cold water or compress immediately. The cold water eases the pain and reduces the amount of skin damage. Apply the cold for at least five minutes. You can keep cold on the burn for up to an hour to ease the pain, but don’t go longer than an hour because frostbite could occur. If pain subsists, use a pain reliever such as aspirin, ibuprofen, or acetaminophen (Tylenol).

If the burn has caused blisters, be careful to avoid breaking or puncturing them. Blisters often break on their own, and when they do, allow the overlying skin to remain on the blister. It acts as a wet dressing, keeping the new skin clean and protecting it as it toughens up.

Don’t use anesthetic creams or sprays; they may actually slow healing. Antibiotic creams, such as Bacitracin and Neosporin, neither help nor hinder healing. It’s best to keep the burn and blisters clean and allow them to heal on their own.

i am in so much pain grrrrrrrrrrr.
hopefully it will heal soon. :(