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i feel so small

Mar. 24th, 2006 | 05:35 pm
mood: crushed crushed
music: When a man loves a woman by Percy Sledge


dear journal.
ever feel so void and yet so filled with anger?
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I'm getting married...

Aug. 16th, 2005 | 06:38 pm
mood: loved loved
music: Luther Vandross: Endless Love

Well, I had the most amazing weekend, and I don't think I'll ever come
down from this high. My bf had been planning this for a while, and it
was a complete surprise.

My bf refused to see my last week and it was
making me so sad. On Saturday I call him and he tells me that he's
running late, so I tell him I'm going to go get my nails done.
So I go, get my mani/pedi, and I call him a little after 12 noon, and
he tells me to come over. Traffic is bad, so he calls to ask me where
I am, and we meet up at the local bookstore.

and he picks me up and we drive a few blocks over to this GORGEOUS
park that had a waterfall setup too. He sets up a picnic with Dom
Periogne and chocolate covered strawberries and yummy finger sand-
wiches. I mean, he went all OUT. and we started eating. and he told
me that he had a present for me. he goes in his pocket and takes out
a ring box. now, i'm starting to get all happy, but then I realized
that many times women get excited about these things, and it turns
out to be a pair of earrings,ect.. so i wasn't setting myself up for
that. And i was cool. I open the box and its the key to his apt.
And I have to say, I was happy. hahah I was happy over a key!

Well, that's because I have been harassing him for a key to his apt
for many months now, and so this was unexpected, because I'd just
about given up.. so i was elated. So as I'm going on and on about the
key. He turns to me and says: "wow, well if you're so happy about that,
then you'll REALLY be happy about THIS." He gets down on one knee and
holds out the key and asks me to marry him. I of course scream. a lot.
and say yes. and kiss him. Yumm. It was wonderful. It was all I could
ask for and more.
So now I'm officially ENGAGED. I have a Fiance, and I've never been
happier :)

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having ocd. loving kyra. my bf is a sweetie...

Aug. 3rd, 2005 | 07:46 pm
mood: chipper chipper
music: watching : "The Closer".


i am officially an obsessive compulsive. in my search to purchase a patriots'
jersey i got to thinking about the personalized one i got for my bf. and he
brought to my attention that i had taken it home to wash, now... once he said it...
i went into overload and HAD to find it. so i essentially turned my room upside
down to find it. and i did... over an hour later. mind you i'm tired as hell and
need to take a much needed nap.

but in my attempt to relax and get sated enough to take a nap (mind you its past
8pm and I should just be going to bed for the night<--- i feel old) i'm watching
the most recent episode of "the closer". i'm officially crushing on Kyra Sedgwick.
Mind you, i think its her character that i love, but regardless. she's so clever and
feminine. i LOVE it.
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ok. speaking of things i love. my bf. who i have mentioned to you all, well he asked his
parents if i could go to 'family dinner' last night. I was really proud because he stuck up
for me. I was proud because he prooved to me that he was able to put us first. well needless
to say that they agreed. (score one for mel)and so i went...
his mom surprised me by greeting me at the door. that was kind and very
proper, so it made me feel good. his parents thanked me for the thank you card i had
sent them for the 'dim sum' we shared several weeks ago. and the food was yummy. not to
mention it was so wonderful to see his neices who i just adore. (they are SO cute.) I look
at them and want to kiss and hug and tickle them. They make me wonder what me and my bf's kids
would look like. (i'm betting even cuter!) hahah
but getting back on track. it was a good night.

Until we got home and were watching: "The Real World". Normally this show is great, but it was
a very sad and somber episode. In which one of the character's gets a phone call from his father
and is told that his mother died of a heart attack early that morning. It hit so close to home. I
received that phonecall three months ago. I had the same sort of relationship he had with his mother--
a distant one, one of anger, and resentment. I know he loved his mother as I loved my father, but what
they did to us made it so hard to vocalize it to them. He failed to say:I Love You to her the last time
he spoke to her-- three days prior. I didn't get that chance. I would have failed it too. I cried. I cried for him, I cried for me. I cried for my father and for his mother. My bf was there to comfort me, and I'm
thankful for that. I don't know what I would do if I didn't have his love and support.

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Prisoner of words unsaid...

Jun. 21st, 2005 | 08:53 pm
mood: calm calm
music: Peter Gabriel: "In your Eyes"


you know what's so sad is that i wrote an entire entry out, and
i felt that it just didn't say what i wanted it to say,
i couldn't word it right, and i couldn't express how i felt...
it masked my true feelings so i just deleted it.
anyway, upon watching "Def Poetry Jam", i was profoundly moved
by a poem by Alicia Keys, so I decided to post some of it for
you all to enjoy... I think its called: "Prisoner of words unsaid":

It would be easier if you just put me in jail, you know...
if you lock me away, i'd have someone to blame.
but these bars of steal are of my making,
they surround my mind and have me shaking.
my hands are cuffed behind me
I'm a prisoner of the worst kind in fact
I'm a prisoner of compromise; a prisoner of compassion;
a prisoner of kindness; a prisoner of expectation;
a prisoner of my youth...
running too fast to be old, i've forgotten what i was told
ain't i a sight to behold?
A prisoner of age, dying to be young, so my head is my hand with a
gun and its cold and its hard coz there's no where to run where
you've caged yourself... by holding your tongue.
I'm a prisoner of words unsaid,
just lonely feelings locked away in my head
its like solitary confinment. everytime i stay quiet
i should start to speak but i STOP... and stay silent.
and now i've made my own hard bed. inside this prison of words... unsaid.


good night everyone :)

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pooh cards, yummylicious shoes and charlie's factory

Jun. 17th, 2005 | 04:45 pm
mood: complacent complacent
music: Jem: "they"


anyway. today was a short day. i woke up after 11 and did some laundry and made some
food. i still feel drained and not completely healed and a little restless. ok that is an
understatement. ever just wake up and feel all out of sorts? ever just think i need 'this'
but realize that you're only getting 'that' and ever feel just flustered. so flustered you
can't talk to anyone about it, not for fear that they would laugh at you, but because you
don't know how to verbalize it? *sigh* i'm just bleh.
on a happier note. i opened my mail today to find a lovely card from an old college buddy of
mine. now, most of you know that i don't keep in touch with many of the 'friends' i had in
boarding school and at wellesley. i'm a firm believer that if we were really friends, i would
have tried to keep in touch, and vise versa. which is why i only have a few. people change,
i change... no use in holding on to the past. anyway, this friend, has always been a kind soul
and we hadn't talked in seveal months, but we recently touched base and she asked me what had been
going on so i told her about my dad passing away and how i just feel 'different' and how i'm still
with vic and things are going well, yada yada yada... well she knows i LOVE cards. (honestly people
a hand written note of some kind REALLY does go a long way!) and so low-and behold.. i got one.
come to think of it, i think nicole, my boy J and my ex paul are the only ones who had consistantly sent
me cards. (thank you all :)
Anyway, it had POOH on it! yes it did.
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and she wrote about how she knew what i was going thru
(because she lost her dad when we were in college) and she was happy that i was with vic and that
he better be treating me right (i hope you're reading that !!!) and more girlie stuff. so it just made
me happy. she wants to hang out soon, and i'm all for it. i really miss her. do you see what i mean...
real friends always stay in contact! trust that! and remember that you shouldn't be the ONLY one
initiating contact. if that is the case, let these 'friends' go.
******************************************************

on a side note: thank you liz for agreeing with me on the no fat people in the wedding party rule.
(you're in the wedding :)

on another side note, i think and i promised myself that i would start my 'health' regime next week. so olaf, you can't fault me for being a slacker any longer... just let me have my fun this weekend, and i will be a good girl the rest of the time. ha.
***************************************************

ooh oooh and look at these shoes. i fell in love. wanted them for a month! and my mom treated me to them.
gotta love mamas :)
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***************************************************

maybe its just me, or does anyone else feel a huge dislike to the
remaking of "charlie and the chocolate factory" and the little
creatures are so disturbing looking. and johnny depp officially
freaks me out in this movie. i say we boycott... who's with me...
charlie

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sickness, wonderful bf's and future bridezilla complexes

Jun. 15th, 2005 | 08:04 pm
mood: sick sick
music: greenday: "time of your life"


i've been sick the past few days so it's been so difficult to do anything. i hate that helpless feeling. i have this horrible throat infection and now its also nasally. i started feeling sick on monday morning. i woke up feeling all out of sorts and it was horrible. i barely stumbled into my bf's shower stall. as soon as i realized that going to work just was not an option. i stayed in my bf's comfy bed and just tried to rest. but he made me feel so good. he called me several times during the day to see how i was feeling. (horrible each time, but it was so great to have his love and support). and then he came home with a bag full of "make you feel better items." he had gotten a thermometer and tons of cough drops, fast acting tylenol, and other stuff. he was such a gentleman. and he brought me tea and gatorade and just did so much to take care of me. i felt so loved and so well taken care of. i just felt so good.

it reminded me of something that Carrie Bradshaw said on Sex and the City:
"The most exciting, challending and significant relationship of all is
the one you have with yourself. And if you find someone to love the
you you love, well, that's just fabulous."

I won't get all mushy and stuff, but I just wanted to extend a really big thank you
for all that he is and what he has done for me. (Maybe i talk about him too much. hahah)

Ok continuing on my 'sick' topic, I have had to stay home with my mom and she is just always there, which is a bit frustrating... i love her to death, but sometimes she is a little 'overwhelming'. we just argued so much over the stupidest things and because i am sick, its harder to comunicate. i mean... if your throat was so swollen that even your doctor says: "oh wow. that's red and swollen. and look at those white dots". shessh. so talking just ISN"T easy. and having to talk OVER my mom because she doesn't listen... so i was extreemely annoyed. sometimes i get fearful about having a daughter. i mean, sheesh... will i be THAT annoying to my child? i better stick with boys.

plus my fever keeps coming back. its 50 degrees out, and i have the AC on. yeah. i'm so damn cool. :P

well, right now i'm watching a show called: "bridezillas" and i find it highly amusing... it kinda freaks me out that not enough men get all 'jittery' and worried and yes,even a little crazy when it comes to their weddings. why is it that we get all "fucked" up about everything? I was talking to my bf about our future wedding and i admitted to him that i didn't want any fat people in my wedding party. now, does that sound mean? i don't mean it to sound rude its just that i don't want fat people in my wedding. nothing wrong wihth chubby, but really fat is something that i just don't want. i mean, i am the one that keeps the wedding photos so... i don't feel bad in saying that yes, i would ask one of my friends to loose a few pounds to fit into their dress. i mean, it IS my wedding? and they have the right to NOT be in it if they choose, right? i dunno. i felt kinda bad but then i was like.. fuk that. its my wedding... so please be honest with me... am i turning into a future bridezilla?

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(no subject)

Jun. 9th, 2005 | 07:05 pm
mood: contemplative contemplative
music: coldplay


ever have one of those days where you're just so damn pist. you're angry at others,
you're angry at yourself and you're just plain angry.
grrrrr...

it started off this morning being on the T and this man kept talking to me.
here i am reading my book and all i want to do is be left alone, and you keep
talking to me. i should have a sign that says: "please do not talk to the lady."

next i go get coffee at this mom and pop store in the basement of the building i work in.
i hadn't gone there for like months because i really love D&D, but two days ago i got lazy and
went and got a medium hot coffee and so today, i said "why not." well, when i had gone two days
ago, i paid my $1.20 and went on my merry way. there were no other patrons in the store, so i got
quick service. well today i decided to go and there was so many people. maybe 20-30 people. and when
i get my chance to order my coffee, i put my $1.20 on the counter and she starts ranting about
how the coffee is $1.35 and i gave her only $1.20 yesterday too, and i need to know what the prices are.
First off bitch, it was tuesday you last saw me, not yesterday. Second, don't fucken tell me that you
raised your prices in one day and that since your shitty little shop has NO price labels anywhere, I am a fuken mind reader and know that you have conviently decidd to 'up' the prices.

Honestly, i just went to my office and brought down the $.30 and slammed it on the counter. How dare you decided to embarass me in front of a crowd of people for no reason except to make yourself look good.
Not only that but when i was in your store on tuesday you had every opportunity to TELL ME THE FUKEN PRICE-- especially since no one was there! i will NEVER EVER buy a thing from that store. Here I am trying to help the little shitty store rather than go to the chain store, but you know what. FUCK YOU! i am going
to buy my coffee and pasteries elsewhere, namely chain stores like D&D and Au Bon Pain.

And i sware my day just seemed to get worse. As soon as I finished a huge pile or work, i go to my mailbox only to find twice as many more things to do.

I barely got a chance to speak to my bf today, and I won't be able to talk to him via email after this weekend because his work is now forbidding outside emails.

I feel so overwhelmed at work and in life. i'm just so tired, so so very tired. I feel so overworked, underpaid and worse of all underappreciated. i'm just feeling bleh... i just want to relax. be pampered and do absolutely nothing. go to a spa. get a mani/pedi.get a back massage and a foot massage and a scalp massage. i want to rent romantic and sappy movies and watch them for an entire week, and eat tons of popcorn and juju bees,i want to go to a fancy restaurant where someone waits on me and prepares a meal the way I like it,i want to go on a shopping spree where i get to buy whatever i want and not worry about cost, i want to not have to worry about anything, i want to feel ok about any and everything, i want to be the center of attention, but not have to be smiling and giggling and making everyone around me happy when i'm not feeling that way. i want to NOT be broke and worry pay check to paycheck. i want... i want...

on a happier note. after i got my mail today, the receptionist told me taht i had a package at the front desk. guess what it was. My friend Tisha sent me a bouquet of CALLA LILLIES! those are my favorite flowers and not only do they make my desk look scrumptious, but they smell heavenly and are absolutely gorgeous. she surprised the crapt out of me, and it was a lovely and extreemely thoughtful surprise. Do you know what they represent: ardour, which in my dictionary means feelings of great intensity and warmth, which is an entirely appropriate meaning. that's how they make me feel.
i'll post a pic of them tomorrow.
toodles all. i'm aiming to go to bed early tonight. i think i need it.

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old chicks rule.

Jun. 7th, 2005 | 09:15 pm
mood: tired tired
music: jem: "finally woken"

i am honestly getting older by the second.
i came home after work, after doing a little browsing at barnes and
nobles downtown. i was wearing a cute sun dress kinda outfit, and
for some strange reason, when i'm at a book store, i want to be comfortable.
and jeans=comfort. so i didn't stay long. plus the fact that why is it that
young boys (17-20) try to hit on me wherever i go? do i look THAT young?
well, i made my way back onto the T and as soon as I got home,
i went to work on my room-- sorting thru all the
winter and summer stuff, i got thru about 3 hours of that, and managed to
do four loads of laundry, so i feel so accomplished, yet so tired.

when did my life become cleaning up my room and laundry? shouldn't i be
clubbing or bar-hopping? hahahah

actually i was invited out to a bar for thursday, but its so histerical
how my first thought was god, how late will i be getting home? hahahah
when did i start carrying rolaids in my purse? for fuk sake, i am only 26.
one good thing is that i have the sexual appetite of a 19 year old.
i look younger than i am. i get carded wherever i go.
i think pink is the most fantabulous color (in fact reese witherspoon's
character in legally blonde is my hero :P). i still believe in love at
first site and there being a fairy tale ending.

so i guess in some ways, i will always be young. some experiences do
change you, but maybe its for the better.

i started watching a campy updated version of one of my favorite novels:
"pride and prejudice". not quality, but semi-entertaining. i'm all about
true love fighting the odds. i'll talk more about that some other time, but
for now... i love thr quote:
: next to being married, a girl likes to be crossed in love a little now and then."
pride and prejudice
vol.II, ch,I

anyway, on to something modern:
i absolutely loved the episode of seinfeld where they decided to do a
wall o' neighbors. and jerry's picture looks like shit and all he wants to do
is rip it down. ahahhaha ahhahahah here's a momento:
jerry

on a yet, nother random note, i really really want a new laptop. i mean, i love
my laptop, but i love pretty, new things too, and i have been eyeing the "ibooks" for quite some time...
in the words of SJP: "hello lover"
ibookG4

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time after time...

Jun. 6th, 2005 | 08:20 pm
mood: determined determined
music: hell's kitchen

ever notice how quickly time passes you by? i haven't noticed how long its been since i have
posted. time seems to be slipping away from me, and i am constantly trying to stay ahead of it
all, with disasterous results.
ever feel like you try so hard, but its just not good enough, or its that you who doesn't feel
that you're not doing your very best. *sigh*
i really don't want to have to go into work tomorrow. i sware that it just drains me. i'm tired
just taking the T into work.
sometimes i don't know ...

i'm watching 'hell's kitchen' right now and it is CRACKING ME UP!!! who knew that someone being so cruel to others would amuse me? ha. i think its that he pushes them to excel. i need that. of course i know i will be a blubbering idiot if someone were to yell at me the way he does his students.
do you know that one of the contestants' name is: 'dewberry'. what were his parents thinking? anyway. fox is amusing me with their campy reality shows...

i have a weird craving for zuchinni bread. weird. i've been having a lot of cravings lately. maybe its just because its summer and i enjoy yummy food during the summer time.

my bf has a job interview on wednesday and i think he's nervous about it. but he shouldn't be, because i think he's fabulous and phenomenal in so many ways. i want him to know how proud i am of him for putting himself out there to attain his goals. many people don't bother. and he's so smart. i just can't say enough about him. we spent a lot of sunday in bed together and as my legs were interwined in his, i began to look at him when he wasn't noticing and i was just overcome with how much i love him. its strange. the idea of loving someone so immensely, and so purely; its overwhelmingly wonderful and also a little scary. he brightens my day, even when he's grumpy :P he's my baby. and i love him :) LOTS. ha.

on a rather bleh note.... i saw some sad news today... why oh why did she get a nose job?
ohhhh poor natalie

nighty night all :)

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catch my breath.

May. 18th, 2005 | 07:18 pm
mood: melancholy melancholy
music: red violin


i'm having a rough nite. i feel lonely. dejected and empty.
so i do what most intelligent and bizzare creatures do, they
wallow in self-pity.

i choose to do so by watching one of my favorite movies
and most desperately honest and heart-wretching films of my generation..
"the red violin". i swear that this movie evokes more emotion out of me
than any other. its so so pure. sadness seeps into you, and joy is evoked...
its intense, and no matter how many times i watch it, i am moved.

*sigh*

i'm having a hard time breathing. everytime i think i have caught my breath,
my heart pounds faster and all aire escapes me.

i think its going to be an early night.

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